Another Love
by Milady29
Summary: 'Without him wanting to cry, he felt the tears streaming from his eyes into Gabriela's neck. 'She can't be gone,'.' Matthew Casey is broken over Hallie's dead and he needs help. Gabriela tries to pull him out of the deep sadness he is in, but he is really ready to feel love again? Set after the finale; 'A Hell of a Ride'
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: Chicago fire nor the lyrics of the songs in this story belong to me. Unfortunatly, I am not such a genius to create things like that... **

_''I want to take you somewhere so you know I care  
But it's so cold and I don't know where  
So I pick you daffodils, in a pretty string  
But they won't flower like they did last spring_

And I want to kiss you, make you feel alright  
But I'm just so tired to share my nights  
I want to cry and I want to love  
But all my tears have been used up''

Dawson hesitated for a moment when she had parked the car in front of his house. His truck was there so he was home. She stepped out, crossing her arms against her chest against the cold wind cutting through the street, blowing her hair in her face. Somehow, she wasn't sure if it was wise to come out here, Casey was a grown man and she was sure he would be able to care for himself. If he wanted any help, he should be able to ask for that, but she wasn't sure if he was okay and if his pride would allow him to ask for help.

Slowly she walked to his door, nearly tripping over the stash of newspapers. Worried, she ran the last few steps to the door, knocking on the glass; ''Casey?'' The curtain were closed, making the nervous feeling in her stomach even worse.

There was no response. Trying to open the door, she was surprised it wasn't locked.

''Casey?''

She walked inside, slowly, not wanting to startle him. A soft sniff sounded around the corner and she wasn't sure again if she should be here. But looking around, she realized that somebody had to see if he was okay. Because he wasn't, not at all. Every horizontal surface was covered by empty plates, empty packing, beer cans and unwashed clothes. The only horizontal surface covered in something else than the mess, was one of the chairs are the dinner table. Although, the man sitting on the chair was nothing more than a heap of misery.

''Casey?'' She softly whispered, the man on the chair slowly turning her way, the sobbing suddenly silent. Casey's eyes were red, his clothes dirty. Slowly he stood up, seemingly confused that Dawson was suddenly standing there. He looked around, at the mess around him.

''Just, nothing makes any sense.'' He mumbled, shaking his head. He felt stupid about saying that, knowing it wasn't an excuse to life like this.

Before he could say something else, something to make her go away he felt two arms around him. For a second he thought about pushing her away, not wanting to pull her to become involved in his sadness.

''I know.'' Gabriela whispered, rubbing her hand over the back of his head.

Without him wanting to, he felt the tears streaming from his eyes into her neck.

''She can't be gone. '' he softly sobbed. It made Dawson's eyes fill with tears as well, knowing she was. Casey had been keeping himself strong at the station, but on the inside he was broken. Suddenly he stood upright again, looking at her, hauling his sleeve under his nose.

''I am okay. '' Only now she realized how bad his breath smelled to alcohol.

''You are not.'' She said, swallowing at the monotone way he was saying it. She walked to the kitchen, looking for a clean glass, returning with a plastic cup with water instead. He was sitting on the chair again, staring in front of him, blankly.

To be honest, she had no idea what to do. He was too stubborn to ever accept her help. Before he could grab the beer bottle he was reaching for, she grabbed his hand. ''Come on, let's get you in bed.'' The dark circles under his eyes made it look like he hadn't slept in days.

''Can't, have to wait for Hallie to get home.'' She bit her lip, not knowing what to say. Casey pulled his arm back.

''Are you tired?'' She tried. He nodded, a little unsure.

''I am sure she doesn't mind, she understand you are tired.'' Before he could protest, she grabbed his upper arm, helping him of the chair, nearly collapsing when he leaned on her on the way to the stairs. Halfway the stairs he stumbled over a stash of books, Dawson nearly falling off the stairs as well. His bedroom was relatively clean compared to the living room and as the bed was still made, she could tell he hadn't been sleeping since Hallie passes away, or at least not in the bed. Casey fell backwards on the bed, only pulling the woolen shirt over his head, leaving her to struggle with his shoes and jeans. He was already asleep when she succeeded at putting a clean pair of sweatpants on and she tucked him in. On the pillow beside him was a neatly folded lace nightgown. Hallie's. Carefully she lifted it up, laying it in the closet, barely touched, so it wouldn't be the first thing he would see in the morning.

Walking downstairs Dawson heard his loud snoring. She sat down for a second at the chair he had been sitting, trying to figure out where to start. She stood up, walking to the windows and throwing the curtains open, letting some of the last sunlight in. Grabbing the big stash of clothes out of the corner she walked into the hallway, looking for a washer. After collecting all of his clothes from the floor she walked back, starting to clean all the beer cans and bottles now. Had he been drinking every evening since Hallie's passing? She couldn't imagine that he had been drunk in the prison, or hangover. But he had been suicidal, claiming that he should be the hostage. What worried her even more was that all the empty plates were still clean and the packages with food were only eaten for a little bit or only opened.

He definitely needed help.

Maybe not hers.

But he needed help.

...

NOTE: A story I wrote in Dutch a few weeks ago, decided to translate it in English and post it.

It is going to be multi-chaptered, although probably not more than ten, but I want to make longer chapters. This is the prologue and I hope you want to read the story!

My other stories will also still be updated, I just like to keep my mind busy on multiple storylines, because if I keep writing the same one to long, I start to run out of ideas.

The song in the beginning is ''Another Love'' by Tom Odell.

Reviews and even more: critique, are very appreciated! I really hope you can leave some! Also, I would love to know if you are interested!Thanks for reading!

x


	2. Make it or break it

Matthew head was pounding when he slowly sat up, the sun shining weak through the half closed curtains. he feel back in the sheets, wondering how much he had been drinking. To be honest, he wasn't even sure if Dawson was there or if he had dragged himself up the stairs somehow. His mind seemed to keep playing games. His mind made him believe that he had to wait for Hallie, so she wouldn't have to come home in a dark house and go to bed alone. His mind seemed to block every time he thought about the fact that Hallie never would be coming home and that he was the one arriving in an empty, dark home, going to bed alone. But he couldn't. Every time he looked at the door he expected her to be walking in there after a few seconds. Slowly he stepped out of bed, wondering how he got in the sweatpants. Maybe he should clean up now, in case somebody came walking in again. But the motivation was gone as soon as he thought he would still be alone after cleaning.

Nearly falling over a stash of books on the stairs he was surprised when he walked into the living room. Everything was clean , the curtains open and all his clothes were in sorted, folded stashes on the table. Slowly he walked towards it, finding a note for Gabriela, that if he needed her, he could always call her and that she would come by later, with dinner. Matthew walked to the kitchen, throwing the small paper in the trash can on the way to the fridge. Without getting something out of the fridge he stumbled back upstairs. He was hungry, but every time he got food, he couldn't eat it. Somehow, he just couldn't get the food down. The stairs took more and more of his energy and his idea to walk a small rounds outside got set aside. He fell down on the bed again, smelling Hallie's pillow. The familiar smell of her shampoo filled his nose. Sunflowers. The smell he had always liked when they were laying together on couch and he buried his nose in her hair. The smell that had filled the bathroom when she showered before him. The smell that was the same as her perfume and made sunflowers her smell. His eyes slowly started to close again and he felt fine about sleeping. He hadn't looked in his work schedule but given the fact that Dawson was coming to bring dinner, he expected they had no shift. Actually, he didn't even care about it. His first reason to become a fire fighter was to save people. But now, he lost the most precious people in his life to the flames. First Andy, his best friend. Now Hallie, the only person he loved.

_''Matt!''_

_Hallie was reaching out for him, her face desperate. The sea of flames behind her was nearly swallowing her up. _

_''Hallie!'' He tried to grab her hand, to pull her away from the flames, but his arm wasn't long enough with the fence blocking his body._

_''Hallie!'' With all his weight he bumped into it, Hallie drowning deeper in the flames every time he looked up. The iron seemed to burn his body. When he looked down his fire fighter uniform was gone, just as the oxygen mask. He couldn't breathe. All he could do was watch how Hallie disappeared into the flames, her screams echoing in his mind. _

Matthew's eyes opened again and with his heart still racing in his chest he sat up, looking at himself in the mirror on the closet. The blue eyes were circled by deep lines and dark circles. A little numb, he stood up, shuffling to the bathroom. The water woke him up when he threw it in his face. Looking up again at his own reflection in the mirror his attention was pulled away by his phone ringing on the night stand. Darcy Thomas. For a moment he doubted if he should take it.

''Matthew Casey.'' He mumbled then, swinging the phone to his ear.

''This is Darcy. How are you holding up.''

Matthew sighed silently. ''Taking it day by day. How are you and Rob holding up?''

He could hear Darcy swallow, sniffing before she answered; ''Day by day, as well.''

The conversation fell silent for a few seconds, neither of them knowing what to say. He didn't want to go Hallie's parents, knowing he was only a burden to them, since they were mourning over their daughter's death already. The last thing they could use now was him crying with them.

''I was wondering, do you have any pictures of Hallie's time as a cheerleader in high school? I know most of the photo albums at your place. ''

''I will check.'' He mumbled, rubbing with his fingers over the bridge of his nose. The last thing he wanted now was digging through the photo albums.

''We want to make a video about her life.''

''Sounds beautiful.'' he mumbled, knowing he should over them his help. But that meant he had to get through more photo albums.

''Well, I hope you find it Matt. Will you call me when you found it?''

''Sure.'' Usually he would have wished them success with the video, telling them again what a beautiful idea it was. Now he hung up to phone, walking downstairs, realizing his stomach was growling in hunger. Instead, he pulled the photo albums from the shelf onto the coffee table, slowly moving through the first one. No pictures of Hallie's high school time. Just a lot of happy memories of their first holiday together that hurt him now.

Slowly he laid down on the couch again, pulling the blanket over him. His head was still pounding and he closed his eyes, hoping it would be gone when he woke up again.

_He was standing in the hospital hallway again. Instead of the doctor, Hallie came walking out of the room this time. Matthew wanted to walk her way, suddenly stopped when he looked at the side of her face. The burns were worse, covering the whole side of her face. _

_''Why didn't you help me?'' She cried. he couldn't move, paralyzed. _

_''Why didn't you save me?''_

An annoying ringing sound sounded through the nightmare and before he realized that it wasn't a part of the nightmare. His head still pounding, he rolled of the couch very slow, tripping over the blanked on the way to the door. Still sweating and panting of the nightmare he opened the door, Dawson standing on his porch, holding a plastic container.

''Dinner.'' She said and he looked at the clock, surprised by how late it was already.

''I made the pasta you ate at my place before, I hope you like that.''

He nodded; ''Thank you, also for cleaning up and bringing me to bed.'' His stomach turned around with the thought that he should invite her in, to share the dinner together. If he could choose what he was going to do now, he would prefer to give the pasta back to her and walk up the stairs, rolling up on his bed and going to sleep, or at least trying to. he wasn't pitying himself, but his body felt just as miserable as he felt mentally.

''If you need anything, just call me. Are you coming to shift tomorrow?''

If he didn't, he knew that the whole fire house would be standing on his doorstep before he could even lie about how fine he was.

''Yes. Do you want to stay over for dinner?'' For a split second, she seemed in doubt, filled with hope he was preparing his thank you and goodbye.

''Sure.'' She walked past him in to the living room, immediately looking around. She was glad it wasn't such a mess as it was before.

''Were you looking at pictures?'' She asked, pointing at the albums on the coffee table. Quick he closed them, laying them back on the shelf, afraid do something might happen to them.

''Her mom asked if I could find a certain picture of her...for her funeral.''

He had promised himself that he would prepare a small speech to say at the funeral, but somehow, every time when he had the slightest idea it was gone again when he had grabbed a pen and paper and he had given up. It would come, hopefully. Sure, Darcy would understand, but he felt like letting Hallie down if he wasn't going to tell anything on the funeral. Gabriela walked into the kitchen, making the table while he put the pasta on the table. In silence, they sat down.

''I am sorry about yesterday.'' He finally said it, but to be honest he wasn't sure if he should, as she was the one who walked in uninvited, but he felt embarrassed in the state she had seen him. He took a small bite of his plate full with pasta, the first one, while Dawson already finished half of her plate.

''I understand...but I just hope that you won't do it again.'' She laid her fork down. ''I think you need help.''

He shook his head; ''I am fine, really. Yesterday was just a short slip.''

Dawson frowned, shaking her head. ''That mess wasn't from one day. I am sorry about being so honest Matthew. I am just worried. Everybody is.''

''Nobody should. I am fine.''

They were silent again. He knew that Gabriela didn't believe him, but he also know that he should look for help, he just didn't feel up to it.

''Are you not hungry?'' She said, pointing at his nearly untouched plate.

''Not really, I already ate something together with Hallie's parents.''

She frowned again, obviously not believing him. ''They life in Milwaukee, right? You are still in your pajama.''

He rolled his eyes. ''They came here and they brought food with them. Thai, if you really want to know.'' He took a sip from his glass of water, taking another small bite of pasta.

''Have you even been eating enough this week?' She said, holding her head slant, looking worried. Her expression made Matthew want to be honest to her, but if he was, she wasn't going to leave him alone anymore.

''Who do you think you are, my mom?'' He said, slamming his fork on his plate with a loud clap.

Gabriela jumped up; ''I am just worried about you, everybody is! When you are on shift you act like everything is fine, but I have seen it yesterday, you are not okay! I can't let you drown in sorrow.''

He just drank more water, not looking up to her.

''How do you think Hallie would feel if she saw you like this?''

The glass dropped out of his hand, against the edge of the table, bursting in shards on the floor.

''Hallie is not going to see me like this because she is DEAD. I am here alone, that I am alone is very fortunate for you, right?''

Dawson opened her mouth, closed it again; ''You think I am here to by your lover? I am here because I care about you, as a person. You are family to me, as everyone is in the station. We are a family and we look after each other. Who else should look after you?'' She said then, squinting her eyes and shaking her head slowly.

''I am perfectly capable of caring for myself, as you can see, I am still around.'' He said, getting more irritated by every word that was said.

''Again, I saw that yesterday. Who else do you have left? Your sister whom you only text and see at your father's grave? Your mom whom you haven't seen in weeks or maybe Hallie's parents who live miles away?''

''Maybe I should just do whatever I want as long as I still appear on shift and bring nobody in danger.''

She looked at him, desperate; ''You bring yourself in danger, like you did in the prison!''

''Well, who cares? You just said yourself that I have nobody except for you and you have Mills, so why would you bother?'' He stood up, bringing his plate to the kitchen. When he came back she was standing at the end of the table, her bag over her shoulder and her coat on.

'' I just want to help you. I really hope you go look for help, Matt.''

He looked at her, paralyzed again, just as in the nightmares.

''Make it or break it.'' The front door slammed shut, the last thing he heard before returning in the silence around him that had surrounded him for days now.

...

**EDIT: -No, it is not AU, I made a mistake by calling Hallie's parents his in-laws. They are not married, but in Dutch you call the parents of your girlfriend also your in-laws, also when you are not married. Mistake in the translation, sorry!**

NOTE: I know I promised longer chapters, but this is the needed arc for the next chapters. Those will be longer and with more action and more about the relation between Casey and Dawson. Also about him learning to cope with Hallie's death, or trying to.

Update will Friday or next week, probably next week. Bad as well as good things happening here, which make it really unpredictable. I will just promise to update as soon as possible!

Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it, hope you can leave a review! Those are really appreciated! (and answered as well)

x


	3. Buried in flowers

NOTE ABOUT PREVIOUS CHAPTER: **-No, it is not AU(at least not on purpose), I made a mistake by calling Hallie's parents his in-laws. They are not married, but in Dutch you call the parents of your girlfriend also your in-laws, also when you are not married. Mistake in the translation, sorry!**

...

Hearing somebody walking into the locker room he walked to his locker, hiding behind the locker door. Carefully he looked aside, seeing Dawson stand at her locker, binding up her hair. Matthew looked at the small stash of stuff in his own locker, his eyes spotting the picture of him and Hallie, slowly picking it up and looking at it. Dawson walked out again. Silently he sat down on the bench in the middle of the lockers. His thumb rubbed over Hallie's face on the picture. He looked how graceful she was standing in her summer dress, holding a bottle of beer in her hand, leaning against his shoulder. He was sure it was of the Barbeque a year ago. Hermann and his kids were seen in the background.

''Hey.'' Slowly he turned his head to the person behind him, fumbling the picture in his pocket. Severide was standing behind him, his hands in his pockets.

''Sorry if I startled you.''

Matthew shook his head, throwing his legs over the bench to the other side, facing Severide. ''It is okay.''

''Are you also okay?'' After what had happened in the prison, Severide was really worried about Casey, especially after he heard he wanted to be hostage instead of Hermann. Usually it would be called loyal, but it was downright suicidal in this situation. Especially since Caser was already really depressed and to be honest, Severide thought he had gone back to work way to early after Hallie's death. She wasn't even buried yet.

Not looking up to Kelly, Matthew jumped up. ''Yeah, I am okay.''

''If you need something, or want to talk, just call me, okay?'' Severide said while Matthew walked to the doorway. ''Thank you, Kelly.'' Matthew nodded to him, before walking out, to the common room. Everybody in there fell silent as soon as he walked in and a little awkward he walked to the fridge, grabbing his bottle of drink. He grabbed a newspaper and sat down at one of the tables. Over the newspaper, he saw Dawson looking at him, immediately looking away when their eyes met.

The corner of the fumbled picture was stinging in his leg, but he didn't want to take it out of his pocket, afraid he would get emotional in the common room.

''Casey?'' Hermann stood behind him. ''We'' he pointed to everybody in the common room. ''We were wondering if you think we should, or mind we would go to Hallie's funeral tomorrow.''

Matthew nodded; ''That is your own call to make. But I would like to see you there. Would mean a lot for me, but I think it also would have for Hallie ,since she was also a part of this family.''

He looked in the newspaper as Hermann walked away. Another reason for keeping himself strong tomorrow and not to tear up. For all they knew he really was okay and fine and he was dealing with her death and he didn't want them to think any different.

...

As soon as he put on the black jacket, he felt more awful than the whole night he had been awake after shift. The calls they had gotten, he had handled them all well, but on automatic pilot, without any feeling. He was afraid Boden was going to send him home, but instead Boden complimented him on how well he was doing. If he only knew...

The whole night, every detail of the fatal night had been going through his mind. He couldn't get the picture of her car still standing on the parking spot and his realization that she was still there out of his head. He had gone over every detail of the whole night, trying to find a point where he could have saved her and it was his mistake. But he couldn't. She was already dead when he arrived there. Killed for a box of pills. Every time he thought about it, it was making less and less sense. The gut who had killed her was dead as well, there was nobody to blame but there was also no peace to find.

With a deep sigh he looked in the mirror one more time, trying not to look at the stubble on his jaw.

In his truck, he was feeling more and more helpless, he really had to say goodbye now. The last picture he had in his head of her was the picture of her face full of the blisters and burns. The romantic lunch seemed so far away, while it were only a matter of hours between them. The parking lot was still nearly empty at the funeral home. The same cars that had been standing by the Thomas's house when he had to tell the family that Hallie was gone. The car of her sister, her parents. Slowly he walked inside, not knowing how he was going to be able to pull through today.

The family looked back from the coffin when he walked inside. Hallie's little nieces, the twins, were crying and with seeing the faces of the little girls, he had a hard time not to tear up himself.

''Matt...oh...Matt.'' Her mother wailed while she embraced him. He rubbed the back of the smaller, older woman. While Hallie had been fairly tall her mother and her sister were a lot smaller, although they all had the same hair. her dad gave him a hand when her mom was done hugging him, followed by another hug from Hallie's sister. The coffin was already closed. A lump had formed in his throat. He sat down on the first row together with the family, between Hallie's mom and one of the twins, knowing they had to stand up soon again because people wanted to give them their condolences.

''Did you bring flowers?'' One of the twins saw pulling his sleeve. Lisa, he thought, but he wasn't sure, as they were identical twins. He nodded. ''They are in my car, did you bring any flowers?''

Lisa nodded; ''Mommy said that we were going to bury aunt Hallie in flowers, so I took this.'' She was holding up a yellow rose. ''That is really pretty.'' Tia was holding up a yellow rose as well next to her sister. He stood up, walking to his truck. He grabbed the bunch of small sunflowers out of the back of his truck, walking inside again. Some of her cousins started arriving, as well as some friends. Shaking hands he was surprised to see the men and women of fire house 51 walking in. somehow, he still had expected them not coming, since they had a shift. When Dawson condoled him, she didn't dare to look him in his eyes. He was glad that so many people were here, a lot of the people she had been working with in the hospital, as well as old friends.

Her dad started talking, followed by Hallie's mom. Both of their talks were about the memories they had from Hallie, as well as how great she was and he still tried to not to tear up, while both her parents couldn't keep themselves from tearing up when they were talking.

''We are going to miss you, Halls. The world lost one of the best, sweetest people walking over it.''

Her dad sat down gain, nodding at him. Slowly Matthew stood up. a little nervous he grabbed the small folded paper from his pocket and started to straighten it, his hands shaking as everybody was looking at him.

''Somehow, it feels more than wrong to stand here, it feels like a dream. One of those in which you can't wake up. '' He stopped for a second. Yesterday it had seemed a good idea to say this, now it seemed wrong to say. The paper disappeared in his pocket again.

''I can tell about how great and sweet Hallie was, but everybody here knows that, because you knew her. I can tell you about how she was, but I think you knew her as the same wonderful person as I knew her. She is going to be missed, by all of us, by everybody who knew her.''

He sat back down again, his heart racing in his chest. His eyes were tearing up now, but still he tried to contain them. This still felt like a dream and he couldn't wake up, how hard he tried. Hallie's mom rubbed over his shoulder. ''it is okay.'' She whispered in his ear. The piano intro slowly filled the auditorium while her favorite started. How many times they had danced to this? Probably over a thousand of times. At the time they were still been engaged, they had danced on the song every day to practice for their wedding day. At one point he got tired of the song, but seeing her enjoy their dancing made everything good.

He thought about the other song he had always sung for her, but her parents didn't know about her. At least it was something he could on to as something of just the two of them.

...

He carefully lifted up Lisa, while Tia's grandpa was lifting her up. He tried to contain his tears again while the two little girls laid the flowers on the coffin. After the little girls he laid his flowers on the large pile of flowers. His arms felt tired from just lifting up the little girl and his stomach turned around knowing this was really the moment he had to say goodbye to Hallie.

All the plans they had, everything was gone now. They had talked about marrying and even carefully talked about building a family, although she had first said she didn't want too, but in the end she also realized that she couldn't keep building on her career forever. Now it was all gone and there was nobody left to blame.

Matthew seemed to wake up out of a kind trance when people slowly started walking away from the grave. Hallie's mom pressed herself against her husband's chest, slowly starting to cry again. This was the moment they had to bury their daughter, while every parents wishes to get outlived by their children. The way it is supposed to be.

...

Curled up on his bed, he looked at the sun through the curtains. He should get up, get dressed and go to shift. But he couldn't. His body didn't want to cooperate anymore, after yesterday his body just didn't want anymore. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat. The phone was ringing downstairs but he couldn't get up to pick it up. The whole night he had been sleeping for very shorts periods, just to be woken up by nightmares again. Slowly he got up now, walking down the stairs taking more effort than ever and the phone had stopped ringing when he reached it. Two missed calls, both from Dawson. He stuffed the phone in the pocket of his sweatpants, making a note to himself that he should call her later. At least text her. He walked to his other phone instead, calling in sick at the station. To be honest, they didn't care if they believed him or not.

Slowly he laid down on the couch, watching Discovery Channel for a while. He was still waiting for the moment that Hallie was going to walk through the front door, finally waking him up out of this nightmare. Then, this all would be over and he wouldn't be waking up alone anymore. He would find sweet notes in his lunch packet every shift or be eating with lunch with her. They would watch movies together on the couch, snuggling and he would be smelling her sunflower hair. A tear rolled down his cheek again and he stood up, wiping it away. Slowly he walked back up the stairs, his phone was shaking in his pocket again and he looked at the screen. Dawson.

''What?'' He mumbled, a little more rude than he wanted to, but his head was pounding and he felt more awful the longer he was standing up.

''I just wanted to offer to bring you some dinner, since you are sick and we had really good soup at the station today. There is some left if you like.''

A little annoyed he sat down on the edge of the bed, falling backward, looking at the ceiling.

''I am okay, don't need anything.'' He was annoyed by the phone, laying it on the nightstand. He laid his head in his hands, peeking over his fingertips into the mirror.

''Matthew. Look at yourself.'' a familiar voice said behind him. Looking in the mirror he saw Hallie standing the corner of the room, her arms crossed. The side of her face and her arm were still burned and she looked mad at him.

''You are back. I missed you.'' He mumbled, tears in his eyes. He had to make it up to her now she was back. He couldn't lose her again.

''Look at yourself Matthew.'' She just repeated, not moving.

He did what she said, looking at himself in the mirror. Only know he realized how extremely emaciated he was. His eyes seemed to lay a lot deeper in his face, his cheeks were sunken in his face and in the t-shirt he could see his shoulder bones sticking out. His jaw started shaking. This peak man couldn't be him.

''Matthew, are you okay? Whom are you talking to?'' sounded out of his phone, very soft. He never pressed the call away. He grabbed the phone.

''I am not okay.''

...

As fast as she could, Dawson drove to the street were Casey was living. Her breathing was short and hastily, she was scared what she was going to find in there. She parked the car, running into the house. ''Matthew?'' She heard soft sobs and she ran up the stairs, to find him sitting on the floor between his bed and the closet, his body curled up and his face hidden between his hands, but Dawson could hear his sobbing very well. She softly sat down next to him on the ground, carefully pulling him into her arms. The soft sobbing had changed to loud crying now and all she could do was rubbing her hands over the peaky body of the broken man.

...

NOTE: Chapter 3. I hope you liked it!

I hope the funeral scene was realistic, I have never been an American funeral and I don't know what the habits are and all I know is that it doesn't the Coffee-cake habit in the Netherlands...so...sorry if it isn't really accurate. I looked it up but I couldn't find the information I needed.

Thank you very much for reading!

Also thank you for the people who follow my story, I am really honored you want to keep reading! Thank you!

If you feel up to it, please leave a review!

x


	4. Looking over you

Dawson had a lot of trouble waking up, the sun shining in her eyes. She squinted while looking up at the half closed curtain. When she tried to get up from the floor, she felt something laying against and looking down she saw Casey leaning against her, his eyes closed but his eyebrows in a frown. Carefully she supported his head, her other arm under his knees and with less effort than she had expected she laid him down on the bed. Matthew groaned for a second and curled up on the bed.

As he was still asleep, she walked down the stairs, trying not to wake him up on the old stair, which made her footsteps hearable. But before she was even downstairs she heard somebody else on the stairs and looking back she saw Casey standing, having a hard time to take a few steps down.

''Are you okay?'' she asked, worried.

He nodded, although it didn't seem very convincing; ''I just need some breakfast.'' She was somehow afraid he would fall down the stairs and she couldn't help but wait until he was all the way down.

''Do you want me to leave?'' Gabriela asked, hastily. It wasn't a good idea to leave him alone, but neither did she want to impose herself on him.

''Don't you want breakfast?'' he just answered, walking to the kitchen, pulling the fridge open. His eyes were still swollen and red and she wondered if he still had been crying after she had fallen asleep.

''I-I am sorry about last night. I shouldn't have fallen asleep in here.''

''Nothing happened and I am so grateful you could come.'' He sighed. Shaking his head he looked the floor and biting his lip he looked up again; ''I think I am losing my mind. Yesterday when you were on the phone with me I thought I saw Hallie.'' His under lip started moving and for a second she was afraid he was going to cry, instead he turned to the counter and grabbed a bowl out of the cabinets.

''What did Hallie say to you?''

He was silent, throwing cereal in the bowl.

''She said that I had to look at myself. How miserable I am.'' He sighed after a few seconds.

''You are just exhausted. She might not be real, but she is right.''

Matthew turned his head, silent for a few seconds. Then he started to nod. ''Maybe...she just seemed so real.''

Dawson laid her hand on his shoulder. ''Do you think you need to talk about it with somebody?'' All she could hope was that he was going to talk about it, it would help him and that was what he needed. Instead he shook his head. ''I am okay. I know she wasn't real. I am managing.''

''You are lying.'' Dawson said, still holding his shoulder. ''I think you should look for professional help, before you go under by it. ''

''I am eating. I am fine.'' He said, sticking a spoonful of cereal in his mouth, crunching sounded it as there was no milk in the bowl.

''I don't want to have this fight again. Matt, I care about you, everybody does and we are worried about you. ''

''No need to be.'' He mumbled, leaning against the counter.

Dawson felt desperate, not knowing how she could convince him.

''Matt, I found you on the floor yesterday. You were on the edge of being dehydrated! You seemingly haven't eaten enough the last few days and I understand you don't want to talk about it to me, but please talk to somebody!'' She said, spreading her arms in desperation.

He put the bowl of cereal down; '' You want to talk? About what? How I should feel? I am sick and tired of other people telling me how I should feel. I feel terrible. Right after she died everybody told me I should be sad and now I am sad, everybody tells me to carry on again, asking me how Hallie should feel if she saw me like this. She doesn't see me because she is dead! She was killed for pills, drugs. There is nothing I can do about it but I still feel guilty about it! I saw the man who killed Hallie in the lunch pause the same day and she thought the file was strange, but instead of doing something she handed it away and that girl is dead as well! It makes me feel horrible, I should have been suspecting something but I wasn't for the slightest and now I feel stupid, dumb and miserable, so don't tell me how to feel!''

His hands were shaking, so was his jaw. Gabriela's eyes started to feel with tears. ''I am sorry, Matthew.'' she mumbled, scared of his sudden outburst. Matthew grabbed a glass from the counter, filling it with water, drinking a few sips.

''Sorry, I shouldn't take my frustration out on you.'' He said with a trembling voice.

''Don't worry, you can yell at me whatever you like, if it makes you feel better.''

''It doesn't, I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone.''

''Let's just eat something, okay? Maybe it will make you feel a little bit better.''

They sat down at the table. Matthew filled the bowl with milk now and took a few bites. ''Thank you for calling me last night. It means a lot that you care for me.'' He said, looking at her.

Dawson looked up. ''I just hope you can carry on soon, although I know it is hard.''

He dropped his spoon in the cereal again; ''I hope so.''

She stood up. ''I have to meet up with Antonio this afternoon, to arrange something for my parents for their anniversary. I will drop by with dinner later.'' She pointed at him, quasi -mad. ''And you will eat it this time.''

He nodded. ''Thank you, again.''

''You are welcome.''

...

Curled up on his couch, watching a movie he was happy when he saw Dawson arriving. Except for a little cereal, there wasn't a lot of eatable things left in the house. He wasn't sure if he should let her in so easily, worried about what other people were thinking about him being so close again with a woman so short after Hallie's death, but he was glad somebody cared for him. After all, he couldn't do it on his own, not for now. Gabriela entered and put the bags down on the table; ''I got Thai food, I hope you like that.'' He nodded, stood up to the kitchen to get some empty plates.

They ate the food on the couch, watching another movie and he was surprised when he looked aside and Dawson was sleeping on the couch. Carefully, not wanting to wake her up he stood up, turning the TV off and he slipped one of the blankets over her. She was sleeping so peacefully and he didn't want to wake her. Her breathing calmed him down and he knew it was wrong to let her sleep at his place. Carefully he shook her shoulder: ''Dawson, should I bring you home?''

She opened her eyes. ''You don't have to do that, just go to bed, I will manage for tonight.''

''Are you sure?'' he mumbled in doubt. She was absolutely sure, not wanting to leave him alone now he was doing a little bit better. Gabriela looked as Matthew walked up the stairs, hoping he would finally get some decent sleep after all the nightmares she suspected him to be having, as he seemed so tired and he was talking in his sleep yesterday.

She turned around and fell asleep on the couch.

Matthew fell on the bed upstairs, still in doubt if it was okay that Dawson was sleeping on his couch so soon after Hallie's passing, it seemed so wrong, but it also seemed wrong to send her home. Shaking the thoughts of his mind he walked to bathroom, getting ready for bed and he felt a bit relaxed for the first time since Hallie was gone, just because he knew somebody was watching over him. In some clean sweatpants and a clean t-shirt he laid down in bed, afraid he was going to lay awake, but he was so tired he knew that he was going to be sleeping straight away. But something told him that this was going to be a better night. He closed his eyes, to a nearly nightmare less night.

_..._

_''Matt!'' Hallie came walking down the stairs with her prom dress and he smiled, looking at the beautiful girl in her red dress. It had taken him a lot courage to finally ask her out, but he was so proud and happy he was going out with Hallie Thomas, the cheerleader, to prom. The red lipstick made her white teeth look even whiter when she smiled at him and she handed him her hand, as he took her to the car. Hallie's mom nodded at them, waved._

_''You look really beautiful.'' He said, his voice trembling. Why was he so nervous around her?_

_''Thank you.'' In the dim light he could see that she was blushing as well. _

_''These are for you.'' Carefully he picked the roses up from between the seats and handed them to her._

_''Aww, Matt that is so sweet.'' Hallie giggled, holding the flowers. He parked the car on the parking spot by the school, his moms car. It smelled awfully bad to lavender, but nothing could ruin this night. Besides, all he smelled was Hallie's perfect and signature sunflower smell. _

_''You can leave the flowers in the car if you want, I will bring you home tonight.'' He said, as she was holding the roses a little bit awkward. She nodded, laid the flowers on her seat and walked with him to the entrance, holding his hand. A picture was made of them together and they walked inside. Some girls were looking at Hallie with jealousy in her eyes, some looked really arrogant at her, while the guys just looked at him as if they were saying: ''Wow Casey! Hallie Thomas, you rock dude!''_

_They spend the night chatting, drinking punch and looking at other couples as he was the shy to ask her to dance. Looking at his watch and seeing there was only one more chance to dance with her he suddenly stood up, reached his hand out to her. She giggled again and walked with him to the dance floor as they started slow dancing. _

_''I want to spend my life with a girl like you'' The singer of the song sang. Hallie was blushing while their heads came closer and closer. At the end of the song he was surprised when he felt her lips on his. Tender she kissed him, the music and the cheering of the people around them seemed to fade away. It was just them that mattered that time and he wanted to spend his life with a girl like her._

_..._

Instead of waking up from a nightmare, he woke up with a smile on his face, remembering every detail of their first date again. He looked at the alarm, surprised he woke up two minutes before the alarm and he dismissed it, walking towards the shower, feeling up to going to shift again.

Holding his bag with the clothes he wore at the station he walked down the stairs, Dawson was busy folding the blankets she used last night.

''Good morning.'' He greeted her.

''Good morning, you look a lot better. How are you feeling?''

He was able to put a little but real smile on his face; ''Good.''

''Are you feeling up to going to work today? I am sure Boden will give you another day off if you need that.'' Matthew sat down at the table; ''No, I just want to go to get back to daily life.'' He mumbled, grabbing his mug of coffee and grabbing the newspaper. Gabriela handed him a bowl of cereal and she started to pack her bag for work, also making him lunch.

''Don't, I can make my own lunch. You don't have to do everything for me.'' He said. Gabriela shrugged, kept on filling the lunch bag. ''It is no effort, besides, we should go soon.''

''Let's go.'' He swung the bag over his shoulder, ready to face the shift, trying to get back in his old daily rhythm. Dawson also grabbed her bag in the kitchen and together they walked to the front door. He opened it, surprised that there was somebody standing by the door. Darcy Thomas. Her eyes moved from Matthew to Gabriela, her eyes squinting. The only emotion on her face was disgust. She threw the plastic bag she was holding on the ground and walked back to the car with big, firm steps. Matthew suddenly realized what she was thinking and with big steps he ran after her; ''Darcy, this is not what you think. She is a colleague!'' Darcy swung the car door open, ignoring him. ''Darcy! You know I would never be so disrespectful to Hallie!'' He said desperately, trying to hold the door open before she could drive off.

''Get your hands of my car!'' She yelled, pulling the car door shut, nearly flattening his hand between the door and the car in the process.

''Darcy, please! You are wrong.'' Before he could stop her, she drove away.

...

NOTE: As always, I hope you liked this chapter and thanks for reading! Please leave a review about what you thought of this chapter! Do you think I am rushing things between Casey and Dawson? What do you think about Hallie's mom reaction?

Hope to hear from you!

Again, thanks for reading!

x


	5. Come Back

In the evening he was sitting behind his laptop, typing an email to Darcy Thomas, but nothing that he could type made it sound okay. He never meant to disrespect Hallie and the only reason that Gabriela had been sleeping over was that she had fallen asleep. But how could he explain it? He felt more and more depressed by every word he typed. Would Hallie understand? Mad he closed the Laptop, walking to bed. To be honest, even before he was fully back in his old rhythm he knew it was going to bore him somehow. That is was going to pull him down again. Matthew turned around in bed, not being able to find a comfortable sleeping position and he turned on his back again, staring at the ceiling again. If he wasn't having nightmares, he couldn't sleep, although last night's dream about the prom had been a good dream and even realistic.

The night was long and he was tired when he woke up the next morning after less than three hours of sleep, but the coffee he got downstairs made him feel better. Stepping on the porch he suddenly saw the plastic bag Hallie's mom had left there yesterday. Carefully he picked it up, looked into it. The bag was filled with old notebooks. When he opened one he found out it were her diaries. Even when they got in a relationship after prom she was still keeping a diary and he never was allowed to read it. He put them back in the bag, laying it on the kitchen table as if they were the world's biggest treasures. In a hurry, Matthew ran towards the car before he would be late for shift.

...

For a second he was afraid before running in the apartment building. He always was before running into a dangerous situation but this was big. Bad. There was no fire, but the tall building become unstable. A few wall had collapsed and they had to get all the people out before more was going to collapse. ''I am going up!'' He said, pointing at the stairs as the other man were starting on the first floor. Running into the apartments he was yelling, seeing a couple running out of the bedroom in their pajamas. It was so early that most of the people were still laying in bed.

''You have to go down, the building is unstable.''

The couple nodded, ran down. He ran towards the next apartment.

''Casey, other crews are checking the upper floors. The second floor is yours.''

''Copy chief.''

The apartment building seemed to be empty, but since it was locked from the inside he figured that somebody had to be in there.

''Fire Department! Call out!''

Banging the doors open he looked around. Slamming open one of the doors he ran inside. An old woman was laying on the bed, on an oxygen machine.

''I need help here!'' He shouted, knowing he wasn't able to move the woman on his own. Calm as he always was he sat down by the bed, begging for somebody to come soon, since this was taking to long. They had to go as fast as possible! Waiting for the footsteps on the hall way to come closer, he slowly became a little nervous. Dawson ran inside. ''I am going to get the gurney. Move on the next one, Shay and I will handle this.''

But before they could even get out of the apartment, a large cracking sound made them look up in fear and ducking down, they saw the ceiling collapsing in the hallway. Carefully looking up again, they saw the debris mounted up in front of the door from the apartment.

''Are you okay?'' Dawson yelled, grabbing him by his shoulder when he groaned.

''I am.'' The only reason he groaned was that he was upset that nothing could go right now.

He grabbed his helmet and shook the small parts of debris out; ''We need to check if the woman is safe!'' He shouted, running back. In the bedroom, they found the woman just as she was and figured only a small part had collapsed.

They sat down by the bed, waiting for help to come as they were trapped.

''Casey, are you okay?'' The walkie-talkie on his collar suddenly burst out.

''Dawson and I are fine.''

''Can you leave by the window?''

''I am not sure chief. Can we get a gurney up here before the rest of the building collapses?''

''Won't happen. A hoarder on the third floor, his collection made the floor unstable. We are going to get you out as soon as possible. All the people of the other apartments are safe.''

He looked at Dawson, how calm she still was in the situation. She looked so strong, compared to him, he was still at the edge of collapsing and crying out loud. She kept him strong for now. But he was afraid that he was getting feelings for her.

...

Walking out of the building after the debris was cleaned he ran to the truck as soon as he could, knowing the woman was safe. The awkward time with Dawson in the room was tearing him apart, especially after what happened yesterday. He didn't want to be with her, afraid he was going to have feelings for her. He wanted to flee, go back home to bed, where he could be with Hallie in his mind. Instead he looked at the other guys who stepped in the truck and they drove back to the fire house. In the common room he felt strange, as if he didn't belong there anymore. He was sitting here, sitting out his shift but when he was home he was alone again. Slowly he stood up and walked to his office, laid down on the bed. On his nightstand was the fumbled picture of him and Hallie on the barbeque. He had tried to get is straight again by laying it between books, but the picture kept damaged by the white fold lines.

He grabbed his phone of his desk, looking through the picture album. Everything in the album reminded him of her. Everything in Chicago did. He laid the phone aside, turning around, trying to nap. All he could think of were the diaries on the kitchen table, what would they tell about her? Should he even read them? She always kept them secret form him, hid them in places. He found them but he kept himself from reading them. He knew she didn't want him to read them and he respected that. The shift seemed to last longer than a shift ever had, luckily there were no other calls and he nearly ran to his truck when the shift was over.

Carefully he grabbed the first diary, the one from high school. It would include their prom. He hadn't even started reading when there was a knock on the door. Dawson. For a moment doubted if he should even open te door. He really wanted to read the diary.

''I brought you some dinner.'' Matthew was in doubt if he should let her in, have dinner together but also decided that he didn't want to be alone again. He stepped aside and let her in. She made the table and he cringed when she was even lighting a candle. The candles which Hallie bought because his house wasn't cozy enough, they never got the chance to light it. Dawson was busy in the kitchen and again he was doubting if it was okay to be with her. She put the plate in front of him.

''So, what were you talking about with Boden?'' She asked.

''Nothing.'' He answered, taking a bite. Nothing that was her business.

She understood that he didn't want to talk it so they ate in silence.

''Do you want to watch a movie?''

Just be honest, Matt. He thought. ''Actually, I wanted to spent my time tonight reading something. I appreciate it, but I just need some time on my own.''

''Are you sure? I don't want you all down again.''

''I need it. Really.' He mumbled, gritting his teeth.

''Okey, sorry. Sorry.'' She mumbled, ''just call me when you need something.''

''Fine.'' She hugged him and he just let her do that, not wanting to go into discussion again. She walked out and he sat back on the couch, grabbing the diary again. Opening it again he looked at the curly familiar handwriting. He was smiling slightly when he read about her story in science class, when they had to work together and they had won pie, since they were the ones with the best project. He had forgotten about it. Suddenly his eye fell on another diary on the table. He laid the other back, picking this one up. Her travel journal of England. The lake District. He opened it, immediately smiling at the beautiful picture of her standing on a rock, a giant lake behind her. A picture of her working in the pub. It had been the summer he went to California with some friends and she had been backpacking through England. He had heard so many stories about her traveling and working there. Hallie in Blackpool, standing on the beach. Every page was another treasure. New pictures and things he didn't know about her. Stories she might have told him, if she had the chance. Hallie in London. Hallie flying back to the states. A picture them together as they were reunited after two months. She was holding a bunch of sunflowers, because he finally had found out that that were her favorite flowers instead of roses.

He laid the diary down, biting on his nail. Then he grabbed his laptop, typing an email to Darcy Thomas. He arranged some other things, walked outside, to his truck. At firehouse 51 he walked to the Chief's office, happy to see Boden was still there.

''Chief?''

Boden looked up. frowned. ''Is there something wrong Matthew?''

''I am asking for a two month leave.''

''Who months?'' Boden said, surprised.

''I don't care if it is paid leave. I just need two months off.''

Boden shook his head; ''Why? For what?''

''Personal business.''

Boden looked to his desk. ''I am not sure if I can give you 2 months off.''

''Then, fire me.''

There was an uneasy silence in the office. He sounded very sure when he said the last thing, but to be honest he was nearly screaming on the inside, not knowing if he was doing to right thing in the spur of the moment.

''Fine. Two months, not a day longer.''

Casey thanked him, walked out of the office. He was going to do it. He needed to. Nerves were clothes up in his stomach while he parked his truck by Dawson's apartment. Slowly he walked up the stairs to her floor, waiting a little bit longer before knocking on her door.

She swung the door open. ''Is there something wrong?''

''No, I am just here to say goodbye. I am leaving tonight.''

Dawson pulled him inside, closed the door; ''What do you mean, leaving?'' she frowned.

''I am going away for two months.''

She shook her head, the same way Boden had done; ''To where? What are you going to do for two months?''

''Traveling through the UK.''

She looked up to him, her eyebrows bend up. ''Why?''

''It is a kind of a long story. Let's just say that I need some time to think, to process Hallie's death.''

Dawson hugged him, nearly tripped over when she pulled him in her arms. ''Come back safe. I will be waiting for you here.''

He hoped that she would be waiting. She really cared about her, but right now, he couldn't be with her, Hallie was everywhere in his head.

''Please come back.'' She mumbled again, pressing her head harder against his chest.

...

NOTE: Yup, England. Basically because I have been backpacking there earlier this summer for 2,5 weeks, so it is easier to write about a country where I have actually been. I hope you like that idea.

Thanks for reading! Please leave a review!

x


	6. Long way from home

Throwing his backpack in the baggage shelf of the train, Matthew sat down next to the woman already sitting there. She moved a little closer to the window, hiding behind her book. Didn't matter, he had to get out soon anyway. Till now, the five weeks of traveling had only disappointed him. Not because of the country, not at all but instead of putting his mind at ease he only felt worse, being alone. He had expected that making the same trip as Hallie had made would bring him closer to her, so he could say goodbye to her. But instead he only felt himself getting farther and farther away from her, but not in a positive way. The train slowly stopped in Windermere and Matthew grabbed his bag from the shelf, carefully since it was a large backpack and the first few times he had nearly dropped it on somebody's head. The bus he had to take to the next place he was staying hadn't arrived yet and he sat down on the only bench standing there, immediately standing up again when an elderly couple came walking to it and sitting down in his back, staring around. The sun was shining, but it was too cold to walk around without a jacket. His phone shook in his pocket. Matthew jumped up, with shaking hands he unlocked the screen, excited to see if it was Gabriela who had finally returned his email, or maybe texted him. It had been nine days ago since he heard anything from her. She didn't return his calls, nor his email or texts. The first weeks he had called her every day, to just talk about how their day was going. But when he arrived in Manchester after three weeks she had carefully asked how he was about Hallie. When he had told her he honestly didn't know she said that maybe it was better if he wouldn't call her anymore, so he could actually leave Chicago behind for as long as he was in England and every call that had tried to reach her were ignored. A week later he had written her an email, to say that he missed her and that he hoped that she would pick up the phone soon, to hear how things were going. His deep thoughts were suddenly intermitted by the elderly woman he stood up for:

''Don't you need to get on this bus, boy? The next takes another two hours.'' She was standing in front of them, together with the man as they were going towards the bus.

''Oh, yeah. Thank you madame.'' He stood up, offered to take their bags and walked to bus when they said that he didn't need to help them with their bags and sat down in the bag. He looked at the text from his mom, if he was okay and where he was. He answered it, surprised that he still had reception. Their contact still wasn't very close, but she still was worried about him. Counting the hours he figured that Gabriela was already at her shift and he laid his head against the bus window as it started driving, looking as the town slowly passed by. He grabbed his phone again, typing a message to Gabriela. Just how she was doing. But before he send it he deleted it again, staring out of the window again as the bus had left the town and forest and he was suddenly looking into a giant valley between the hills. The sun was making it look even more wonderful and with open mouth he was looking through the window.

''It is pretty, hm?'' The elderly man asked his wife, as the couple was sitting in front of him. The woman laid her head on his shoulder. ''it is still is, even after forty years.''

Matthew looked out of the window again, cringing. Somehow, he had always imagined still traveling around with Hallie later, but that would never happen anymore. The bus stopped in a town, or a between a few houses, as it wasn't much of a town. A girl stepped in and sat down beside him, which annoyed him, since there were a lot of empty benches left.

The bus drove away again and he kept looking out of the window.

''First time in the Lake District?'' The girl suddenly asked him. He looked aside, puzzled, more confused that she suddenly talked than about the question. ''You look so amazed by the view.'' She explained, her voice sounded as if she was singing.

''Yes, it is the first time.'' He answered then.

''Oh, American. Are you backpacking?'' She said, pointing at the backpack which was standing ont he ground between his knees.

He shrugged. ''Kind off.''

''From where in the US are you?'' She said, still looking at him.

''Chicago. Born, raised and still living there.''

She nodded. ''Sorry that I am so curious. I have never been out of the country, so I like to talk with people who are not from around here.''

''It doesn't matter.'' He stood up, lifting the bag up. The girl next to him stood up as well; ''I work here.'' She said as the bus stopped, pointing at the pub.

''I sleep there.'' He said, walking out of the bus without waiting for her. With her born hair and dark eyes she reminded him of Hallie. Walking inside he did hold the door open for her and walked to the counter straight away.

His bag hit the floor as he fell on the bed, tired. The traveling from Leeds had tired him, although it wasn't that long. He looked out to window, the sun still shining against one of the hills. After a few more minutes he walked down the stairs, sitting down at the bar, opening and starting his laptop up.

''The Wi-Fi password is password.'' The girl behind the bar said, the same girl as in the bus.

''Somebody did a lot of effort thinking about that one.'' Matthew mumbled. ''Thank you.'' He added as well.

''Can I get you something to drink?''

''A Guinness will do.''

She put the glass down about two minutes later. ''Can I see your ID?''

Matthew looked up, frowning. He grabbed the wallet from his pocket, got the ID out and handed it to her.

''So, Matthew Casey?'' She said with a smile, handing it back to him. Matthew wanted to roll with his eyes, knowing that when he was still bartending to earn some money when he was studying, he had used the trick too to get to know the name is he liked a girl. At least, in the few months he wasn't dating Hallie. He tucked the cart back in his wallet. The trick might had been tricky though, he was glad to finally have some interaction with somebody, frustrated as he felt so lonely.

''Yeah, I am Matthew. '' He just wanted to play along; ''So, now let my see your ID.''

She smiled, grabbed her wallet out of her pocket and gave it to him. The more she was doing and saying, the more she reminded him of Hallie. Lenore, 27. He handed it back, looking down at his laptop again. He was happy he had contact, but he felt wrong interacting with her.

She turned around, starting to clean the counter while he read the Chicago news. He smiled when he saw the firehouse had been involved in saving two kids who had fallen in the water.

''Is it always so busy here?'' He asked, looking around the empty pub.

''It is busier in the summer, you are a little bit late for the actual season. But even in the season it is usually just full of people from the hostel down the road and locals. ''

''So, you do speak with people from all over the world?''

''Not so much. American people are pretty rare. Just like boys my age.''

Matt finished his beer, looking up to her; ''So actually I am a nearly an extinct species to you.'' He held up the glass and she filled it again. ''Make it a pint this time.''

''You are.'' She put the pint down in front of him. ''Can I get you something to eat?''

He nodded. ''I am a little hungry, do you have fish?''

She walked to the kitchen, the last second she turned around; ''With chips?''

Matthew nodded again, looking back his laptop. He checked his mailbox another time, in case he had missed it on the phone, but to his disappointment there still was nothing. He grabbed the pint, chugged some beer. The pub room was not so big, although he had seen that there were tables for eating by the counter when he had checked in. He looked back to his laptop, to the few mails that were still in there. Instead of finding himself he felt like he was losing himself. He was flirting with a random girl in the middle of nowhere in England while he was sad that a girl in Chicago didn't answer him and he couldn't love that girl in Chicago because of Hallie. His own behavior started to annoy him. The mess wasn't getting less and he was only making more.

''Here you go.'' He was surprised when a plate was suddenly served under him and he put the empty glass down. Had he finished it that fast? She grabbed the glass from his hand. ''Fast drinker.'' He started eating without responding, just looking up when she put the full glass down again.

''So what are you doing for a living in Chicago?''

He swallowed the last bit of his food. ''I am a firefighter.''

''Impressive.'' She said, actually impressed. ''What are you doing here, with such an important job?''

He looked aside; ''Getting away from all the shit I have seen and had lately.''

She loosened her brown wavy hair again and it immediately fell in the way Hallie always wore it when she was home. He looked down at his laptop again ''I am sorry to hear that. '' Slowly she stood up and took his plate away. He finished the beer again, feeling warm inside. He ordered another one, just reading the news. After half an hour, the man that had given him the key walked into the bar aera: ''Lenore, I am going to bed, I am sure you can manage. '' She nodded. knowing she had to wait for him to get to bed he did not want to keep her up any longer, fast he drank his beer.

He got of the barstool, nearly falling down over the foot rail. Lenore grabbed him by his upper arm. ''I am okay.'' He just mumbled. Lenore giggled; ''I can see that.'' her hand went to his and she walked around the bar. ''Let me bring you to bed.'' She guided him to the entrance door first, locking it and she let him go for a second to clean his glass. She put the lights out and grabbed his hand again, walking with him over the dark, empty hallway. He opened his room but before he could walk in Lenore pushed him against the doorpost, kissing him. His hands went down over her back. Together they walked into the room. He sat down on the bedside, wanting to tell her to go away but before he could, she pushed him down on the bed. His head was a blur and he was sure he had too much of the beer. He was ready to push her away but her kisses in his neck distracted him and kissed her on the jaw. She removed her shirt and Matthew started to caress her over her back. Her hands went under his shirt.

''I am going with you to Chicago.'' She whispered in his ear.

''I have room for you.'' He smiled back.

Her lips moved over his chest. The brown curls moved over his sides and he smelled the sunflower perfume.

''Mmmm, Hallie.'' He slowly whispered.

The girl jumped up, grabbing her shirt and walking out of the room, closing the door with a loud smack. Matthew sat up, moving to the edge of the bed, his face in his hands. He never should have gone here.

...

Before the sun was up he left the pub, locking the door again with his key. He walked to the water of the big lake, waiting in the grass for a few hours until the boat rental opened. As he had wanted to do anyway, he rented a canoe, going towards the middle of the lake. He looked around, still stunned by the amazing view. Too ashamed to go back to the pub he laid down in the canoe, looking up to the sky. How could he even have thought Lenore was Hallie? Before he could think about Hallie again he started to paddle again, going towards the small island on the middle of the lake. It wasn't more than a few rocks and a small, not well growing tree. He climbed onto the rocks when he was sure the canoe wasn't drifting off. He looked around again. He was completely alone on his island in the middle of the lake. For a moment it seemed he was alone on the world, just like he had been feeling now Hallie was gone. He was completely alone on this rock while the rest of the people were on the steady land around him. He could keep sitting on the rock, knowing he would be alone. But Chicago was still on the steady land. His life was in Chicago. But not Hallie, Hallie kept him alone on the island. He needed to get back to the steady land, with Chicago, with Gabriela. The phone was still dry in the plastic bag and he ripped it open, grabbing the phone. Looking around him he was pretty sure it was useless but to his big amazement he could still connect to a 2G network.

His heart started to beat faster when after a few bleeps he actually heard the phone being answered.

''Matt, why are you calling me when you know it is in the middle of the night in Chicago?'' Gabriela's voice was sleepy and slow.

''Gabriela?'' His voice was trembling.

''What is wrong?'' Her voice suddenly sounded very awake.

''I - Can we talk or should I call back later?''

''No, let's talk.''

''I don't want to be alone anymore.''

''Good.''

''I don't want to be here anymore, I want to go back to Chicago?''

''You want to go back to the firehouse?'' She said, sounding surprised.

His eyes started to tear up while he took a deep breath.

''I want to go back to you.''

...

NOTE: Believe it or not, but on that rock on the lake Ullswater in the lake district you actually have reception!

So, I have been pretty occupied lately and I am still going to be the upcoming week. I have to work a lot since I am moving out with my parents in a few months to a big city to go to university and I need to go back to school in a week for the final year, so I won't have much time for work and it would be great if I could afford a bed when I move out. Hence the late updates and the last lame chapter. I don't want to rush it anymore because the story sucks when I do that, like the chapter before this that to often and i am really going to change that now.

I really hope this one makes it up, although it contains an OC. I just wanted to give Matthew a big turning point and I hope you like it.

Please leave a review!

Thanks for reading!

X


	7. Wise words

Slowly Matthew walked back to the pub. He had talked with Gabriela for an hour, until she had fallen asleep again and he had listened to her breathing. But he still had to go back in the pub and maybe even wait until there was an airplane to Chicago. He opened the door to the pub, looking at Lenore, who was standing behind the bar again. Her curls didn't even look like Hallie's, now that he saw her in clear daylight.

He owed her an apology. She didn't looked up as he was walking towards the bar, sitting down on the same barstool as yesterday.

''Hey.''

''Hey.'' She still didn't look up to him.

''I am sorry about yesterday night. I know that being drunk is not an excuse and I know I am not completely honest by saying I was, since I also flirted with you before the Guinness with which I lost counting.''

Lenore did look up to him now. ''I am sorry as well. I guess you have a girlfriend.'' Now that he looked at her, there was nothing that made her look like Hallie. Her hair was lighter, as well as her eyes. Had he just imagined she was Hallie because he wanted to? The longer he looked at her, the more different than Hallie she looked, not even the overall look over her face reminded him of Hallie now, and now he looked even better, he saw her eyes were bright blue instead of the greenish grey color Hallie had.

''I shouldn't have flirted with you in the first place. I could have expected that you had somebody waiting in Chicago, should have asked you about that instead of pushing you into it while you were drunk.''

He smiled at her; ''I think we were both wrong, let's just one on it and have a nice conversation. I am leaving for Chicago tomorrow.''

Lenore nodded; ''You are going back are going back to Hallie tomorrow?''

''It is a kind of complicated.'' He just answered, not wanting to tell her everything. ''I am sorry I called you Hallie.''

Lenore gave him a Guinness. ''Is she pretty? In case she is, you may call me Hallie as much as you like.''

''Like I said, it is complicated.'' He lifted his beer, held it up to her and she grabbed a glass as well, their glasses hitting each other.

''I am sad you are leaving tomorrow already, you are the first person my age whom has been here in a long while. Last week we had French school kids and some elder couples, but never people my age.''

he took a sup of his beer; ''Why don't you leave this district then?

Lenore shrugged; ''It is complicated as well. Let's just say that you should be happy to have Hallie, nor she is with you or not. ''

''She is not with me, she is dead. Of all the people I saved in fires, I couldn't save her.'' He mumbled. For weeks, he hadn't said Hallie was dead, he kept saying she was waiting for him in Chicago when people had asked if he was in a relationship. In some way, it was a way to protect himself from the cruel reality, he was finally facing now.

But there had to be a moment that he was able to talk about it and talking about it to a nearly stranger to him England might be the first step.

''I am sorry Matthew, I shouldn't have been pushing the topic.''

''It doesn't matter.'' His hands were pressed around the glass, the flesh turning white.

''I lost my husband in the lake three years ago. We went swimming together every summer, every day. One day I was sick and he went alone and he never came back. It is cruel how the things that we think we know suddenly can take everything away.''

Matthew looked up; ''I am sorry.''

''That is why I can't leave this place. This lake is the only bond I still have with him. I have a feeling I will disappoint him if I leave this place and leave him that way, as if he still with me.''

The same feeling he had about Hallie with Gabriela. He felt like he was letting Hallie down the moment he was going to be with Gabriela, although he also knew it wasn't true. But he was letting somebody down whatever he did. He let Darcy and the rest of Hallie's family down if he was going to be together with Gabriella, but he was letting himself down if he stayed alone.

She was leaning against the vault, trying to swallow her sadness away.

''What you said is every true.'' He mumbled after a few seconds. ''It is true, the things we think we know can suddenly take everything away. ''

Lenore nodded. ''But the hole can still be filled. Not completely, but good enough. I have my job and I love to talk with people. You just have to make your days worthy again. Although I never talked with somebody like I talk with you now. But it keeps the day worthy. Is that why you are traveling?''

Matthew shrugged. ''Kind of, but it is a kind of disappointing.'' He grabbed a paper from his pocket, unfolding it. It was the map in Hallie's diary on which she had drawn everywhere she has been.

''I have been everywhere she has been, expected to fill up the emptiness. I traveled everywhere, this is the last part, but instead of filling up the emptiness I only feel worse now. I feel lonelier. That is why I go back to Chicago tomorrow. I think my days will feel more worthy if I save people.''

Lenore looked at the map. ''You have been around quite a bit. Too bad it didn't help you.'' She gave him back the map. Slowly Matthew stood up. ''Thank you.''

Lenore smiled; ''For doing my job?'' She pointed at the glass.

''No, for the things you said. '' He shook her hand. Instead she walked around the bar, gave him a little bit of a distant, awkward hug. ''Thank you too, for listening.''

Matthew smiled at her and walked to his room then, the words Lenore had said still repeating in his head. In his room he saw that on his charging phone that he had a missed call from Gabriela, just a few minutes ago. He called her back immediately.

''Hey, finally morning there?'' Matt greeted her.

''It is morning here yeah. I was wondering, do you need somebody to pick you up at the airport?''

Matthew looked out of the window at the wonderful landscape.

''I can take the bus if-''

''How late?''

He grabbed his laptop, gave her the flight number and the time.

''I will be there, have a good flight.'' She hung up the phone again and his excitement became more and more with the second. He wanted to see her as soon as possible. Hopefully she would still think the same as him and they could be together, or at least try to. He was ready now. Sure, he still missed Hallie but it was to move on, to leave island. Slowly he started to pack the few things he had gotten out of the bag this morning, which wasn't so much.

Slowly he grabbed the laptop from the floor again, opening his mailbox. For weeks he had been waiting for a response from Darcy Thomas, hoping she had read his email and that she understood him, that at the time, there was nothing happening between him and Gabriela.

He took a deep breath and clicked on the new email button.

_Dear Darcy,_

_Hoping this mail will finally reach you, I hope we can get some things straight. I have no idea if you ever read my previous email and although I think and hope you did I have no idea how you think about me right now. I know things might have looked weird and simple at the time I opened the door at my house and there was a girl standing behind me. But it wasn't what it looked like. She was there because I couldn't deal with Hallie's dead and she was there for me, to pick me up. I was a mess, I made a mess and I am trying to clean it up._

_Hallie was the love of my life. Every memory I have of her will always be cherished and I will never forget any of those. When I lost Hallie, I lost a part of myself and I didn't know how to live anymore. Even after getting help from one of the people at the station, I couldn't return in my old rhythm. That is why I am in England right now. I am tracing every step Hallie ever made here and I am finally starting to deal with everything right now. _

_But to clean it all up, I need to move on. I can't stay the crying boyfriend forever. The girl you saw at the day by my door, she is waiting for me in Chicago, I am not going to lie about that. I think Hallie wants me to move on and I am going to try to. For me, being with Gabriela is the way to move on. _

_Tomorrow I am going back to Chicago and I hope we can meet up soon, to talk out everything._

_Matthew._

For a few seconds he was in doubt, but before the doubt could take over again, he sent it.

...

Trying to fall asleep in the shaking airplane turned out to be harder than he had expected. On the way to London he had been sleeping all the way from they had flown over the Atlantic to the landing. Now he couldn't sleep until they arrived in Philadelphia, where he had to catch a different plane and even after that he was awake until the plane had landed in Chicago.

The plane landed earlier than expected and Matthew ran through the airport corridor. He stopped for a second to put his passport back in his bag and stuffed his jacket in. Right now, he was glad he just had the backpack and that he didn't need to wait for a suitcase to pick up. Business people walked next to him as he started to walk faster towards the arrival hall. The seconds seemed to get slower and slower and he started running, he wanted to see her. The door slowly opened and he looked around the hall, hoping Gabriela was already there. Suddenly he saw her, standing against the railing, waving at him. She dropped the welcome home sign and walked towards the end of the railing. The last few steps he ran, jumping around the railing and pulling her in his arms.

''You just have to make your days worthy again.'' sounded in his head and he buried his nose a little deeper in Gabriela's hair, glad to be home at last.

...

NOTE: I really hope you liked this chapter, hope you liked the idea of the mail.

I think there are about 2,3 chapters left. Maybe a sequel because I still have some ideas. but the end still needs to be written before those plans!

Sorry this chapter is so short.

Thanks for reading, please leave review!

x


	8. Not all sunshine and roses

Six months later.

''Hey, we have to get to work.'' Gabriela's lips touched his cheekbone and he woke up, pulling her on top of him; ''Do we really have to?''

''We can't both call in sick.'' She mumbled, wiping her hair behind her ear while she looked him in the eyes. ''Although, we could say we are busy producing little Daseys for the firehouse.''

''What.'' he said frowning.

''Dasey's. Dawson Caseys.''

''Okay, you got me out of bed.'' Matthew jumped out of bed, pulling his sweatpants out while he ran towards the bathroom to take a shower. Gabriela looked at her hands while she sat on the edge of the bed, biting her lip. Her stomach hurt and she felt sick, as she always did when they had a fight. Every time she started about children, he fled. She didn't want children straight away, but after six months, she at least wanted to know how he saw their future together. She knew it still had to do with Hallie and she understood but even though she loved Matthew, she was done waiting, not to get children, but know where she was at. She had been waiting for two months when he was in England, when he had comeback, he was different. Every boyish part of personality was gone. He walked back into the bathroom with a towel wrapped around him, folding the sweatpants on the floor and laid it back under his pillow.

''Why, Matthew?''

A silence filled the bedroom. This was what happened every time she wanted to talk about something he didn't want to discuss, or when it was too hard for him. She knew that he still hadn't overcome Hallie's dead, but that he was dealing with it well enough for them to be together and to function properly.

''Matt, I am talking to you.'' She mumbled when she heard his quick footsteps of the stairs. Annoyed she walked down the stairs, not even dressed fully with quick steps. She heard him grabbing the lunch bag she had already prepared for him when he was still asleep and to her big dismay she heard the front door before she was even down the stairs and she saw his truck pulling out of the driveway.

Usually she tried to keep their private lives separated from their lives at the station but now, she needed to. When she arrived at the fire station she dropped her bag by the locker and right after she changed clothes she walked to common room and walked to her boyfriend, hidden behind a newspaper. The rest of the fireman looked as she walked towards him with firm, angry steps and she snatched the newspaper out of his hands, grabbed his shirt and pulled him after him towards his tiny office. She nearly pushed Shay aside in the hallway and walked towards the office in one straight line, pushing him in and locking the door, standing against it.

''What was that this morning?'' She crossed her arms, frowned at him while he sat down on the edge of the bed, knowing there was no way to go instead of listening to her.

''I didn't want to talk about it.'' He just shrugged and she rolled her eyes.

''What are you, 16? Walking away from a conversation like that?''

''I just didn't want to talk about it. I just need some time.''

Dawson felt bad that she had to say this, but she had been keeping it in too long.

''I understand that you needed some time, but it has been nearly a year now. We don't need to have kids next year, I just want to know what I can expect from the future, without you storming out when I even mention a word about it.''

He nodded; ''Fair enough.''

But instead of saying something it was silent again.

''You don't want kids, right? That is why don't want to talk about it, because you know that I want them at some point and in not too many years.''

''Gabby, it is not that I don't want kids. Just not now.''

''When? Ever?''

He shrugged again. ''Maybe, I don't know.''

Gabriela laid her head against his shoulder; ''Just be honest, okay. I just want to know what i can expect from our relationship and if that doesn't include children, I can live with that. I just want to know that. If you never tell me, I will be having hope and I don't want to have false hope.'' She mumbled while picking on the fabric of her t-shirt.

''I don't think I am ever going to want children. I always wanted to be a dad, but now, I don't know anymore.'' He admitted then.

''Can you at least tell me why?''

But she already know the answer. He wanted children with Hallie, she was just his surrogate. He was loved now, he had a woman to come home to but she still wasn't Hallie and she was never going to be Hallie. The moment she got together with him she knew to expect this and she hadn't expected that it would hurt her so much, but now they were, it did hurt her that she still was the second choice. She was the best he could get at the moment, but not the mother of his children.

''Gabby, I can't te-'' He started but she interrupted him. ''Don't, I understand.''

''Gabby, wait!'' But she already walked out of the office. Maybe she should have listened to her, but she knew that she still wasn't going to get a clear answer. Walking into the bathroom she walked into in one of the stalls, sitting down with the lid closed, trying to contain her tears. She heard the bathroom door opening and a few seconds later there were a few knocks on his door.

''Gabby, are you in here?''

Instead of answering she kept sitting.

''Sweetie, can you please listen to me first before drawing your own conclusions?''

''Both of you sweethearts, could you please continue this conversation in a more private place? I am trying to take a dump in silence.'' Otis voice sounded from the stall next to Gabriela's and she heard Matthew leaving the bathroom.

''Trouble in paradise?'' He said after a few seconds.

''Remember, dumping in silence.'' She sighed while standing up. Their privacy level was zero, even from each other. At work and home they were together and that was probably one of the factors that drove them apart. She also left the bathroom, slightly embarrassed by what just happened. She felt sick, as she always felt when she felt bad about their relationship, or in any relationship she had been. She just wanted to solve to the fight.

''Matt!'' She called after him as he walked over the hallway. He turned around, waiting for her. She walked towards him.

''let's just finish this shift and talk about it. I promise I will tell you everything'' He said, nodding at her.

''Just 23 hours more to go.'' She sighed, there wouldn't be any talking between them for nearly a whole day. Tomorrow morning they would arrive at home and he would probably be to tired.

''Are you okay?'' Matthew grabbed her shoulders, worried.

''Yeah, I just don't feel so well, I am sure it will be gone when I eat something.''

''Are you sure you shouldn't go home?'' Matthew said, even more worried. All the color in her face was gone and she stood a little unstable, her legs shaking.

''Dawson, you are dismissed for today.'' Chief Boden was leaning in the doorpost of his office, on front of which they had been standing.

''For your own good, as well as for the people you should help today.''

''Chief, I am okay.''

The chief shook his head. ''it was not an option, it was an order.''

Dawson nodded, a little unsure, since she was sure she felt good enough to work today. What would she do at home? She was fine. But instead she just kissed Matthew on his cheek, walked out, greeting everybody. Luckily the way home wasn't so long as she was living in Matthews house now. At home she walked upstairs, figured she would feel better after some sleep. With hey pajama's on she walked to the bathroom, opening the small cabinet behind the mirror, looking for some _acetaminophen_. Incidentally she knocked another box of the shelf, her birth-control pills. Cursing, she picked them up, mad that she had to be reminded of the whole morning again. Another strip slipped out of it, dropping on the floor, she picked it up, looking with open mouth at the five pills still in there at the end. These had been from weeks ago, when she had the flu and wasn't able to take them. Her hands started to shake as she remembered she had stopped after that for a another week.

''Shit.'' She just mumbled. Her hands started to rumble through the cabinet again, rumbling to another one of her bags. Suddenly she felt the carton box, lifting it out. It had always been in her bathroom for years, just in case she ever needed it, although she was sure she never would and know she did.

With shaking hands she opened the box, pulling the pregnancy test out.

After a few minutes she dropped down on the bed. How could she be so stupid? Her hand was searching for her phone on the bed. There was only one person she could call now.

''Hey, how are you?''

''Shay, I need to talk to you. This is important, are you alone?''

''Yeah, I am cleaning out the ambo on my o-''

''Good.''

''What was that about you and Matthew this morning?''

''We had a fight about..'' she bit her lip ''about our future, he doesn't want children.''

''Is that why you went home?''

Dawson shook her head while calling, as if Shay could see her. ''No, I went because I felt actually sick.''

''Get well soon.''

''Who, wait, I am not finished yet.'' She said as Shay was nearly hanging up the phone.

''Go on then.''

''I got home an realized that I am overdue.''

Shay gasped; ''No, do you want me to bring you a test?''

''I already did.'' Gabriela started to panic.

''What did swaby say?'' If it wasn't for the situation she was in, she would have laughed about Shay's word for the pregnancy test. Now she just took a deep breath:

''Swaby said baby.''

...

At night, she couldn't sleep, afraid for what was going to happen in the morning, all she could hope was that Matt was happy about the news, even though it hadn't been what he had expected, but neither had she. She hoped that he had been wrong this morning, that he would want to have kids. The morning came earlier than she was ready and with a terrible feeling in her stomach she walked down the stairs. Afraid Gabriela put the breakfast plates on the table. She was sure now and she had to tell him, no idea how Matthew was going to react, probably good, but they only had been together for six months now. As always on Thursday morning after their overnight shift, Matthew was later as he was out getting the groceries. Nervous she sat down on the couch, jumping up when she saw his car on the driveway and he jumped out of the car, his shoulders up as he ran towards the house through the drizzling morning rain.

''Who ordered this weather?'' He mumbled annoyed, walking with the bags to the kitchen while his shoes left a trace of footsteps on the floor. ''Is it me or are we getting more stuff every week?'' He complained again, while sorting everything from the bags.

''I am sorry, how are you sweet heart?'' He mumbled, kissing her on the cheek as she walked into the kitchen.

''Matt.'' She leaned against the doorpost. ''We are going to need more.'' she said pointing at the groceries, she couldn't even lie now that she was fine.

He looked back, worried but frowning at the same time; ''Are you hungry? Did I have to take you something special.''

''I didn't mean food, although formula might be necessary. Also diapers and -''

Before she could finish her sentence a gallon of milk was spreading over the kitchen floor and Matthew looked at her, thunderstruck. For a second she was afraid that the was going to faint but instead he picked up the broken milk pack, milk still dripping out and threw it in the trash and grabbed some cloths to clean up the milk. Dawson bit on her lip afraid that they didn't share the same excitement. In silence she helped him cleaning the floor. Had she been wrong that what he said earlier was actually true and he didn't want any kids with her?

''We are also going to need wood, so I can make the little Dasey a crib.'' He suddenly said, looking up at her, the corners of his mouth curled up.

...

NOTE: Who expected their relationship to be all rosy? Will it all be now?

I hope you liked this chapter, that the characters weren't too much OOC and that it was believable.

Thanks for reading again! I am glad you are still sticking up with the story. Please leave review!


	9. Epilogue

**_EPILOGUE_**

''Can you go to the shop? We are out of diapers!'' Gabriela walked out of the bathroom, their seven month old daughter playing with her mother's hair.

''Uhm sure.'' Matthew threw the clothes he was folding aside, taking the little girl over from Dawson, walking down the stairs. It is was still very cold in the early spring and he made sure that his daughter was warm enough in her cute pink coat.

''Da'' She laughed as he laid her down in the jogging stroller, a little bit mad that they still hadn't bought a buggy that could be covered up completely, but right now, they didn't have the money.

''Sure, da.'' He softly tapped her on the tip of nose, causing the infant to laugh, as she always did when he tapped her nose.

As always, it was another task to get the stroller down the stairs. Carefully he lifted it up, keeping himself from falling down the stairs as he took the few steps down.

In the shop, he wanted to get out as soon as possible. A lot of people were running around and yelling. As always, a lot of people looked at him, obviously thinking if she was his daughter, since she had the dark hair and eyes just as Gabriela. He paid for the diapers and left the shop, on the street, a man was selling flowers and for a moment he looked at the sunflowers, which didn't seem to bear the cold so well. Suddenly, he remembered that it was two years ago Hallie had passed. Last year he wanted to lay flowers on her grave, just to get a very nasty from her mom, whom was also there and that was when he decided he wasn't going to her grave on the day of her passing anymore, to avoid having to face Darcy Thomas. But he felt like he should now. With the flowers in one hand he walked with the stroller to the graveyard, to only find trouble with the stroller and the gravel on the paths, so he lifted the little girl out, carrying her towards the path, to see Darcy Thomas standing there. He wanted to turn around, come back tomorrow but before he could, a loud ''Da!'' sounded and Darcy turned around. Matt greeted her a little awkward, laying the flowers down next to the other flowers.

''How are you keeping up?''

Darcy just looked to his daughter, not answering his question.

''So, you are a father now.'' Darcy said, looking at the little girl, tucked away in the warm coat, looking around from her father's arm.

''Proud Daddy. She was born sev-''

''I don't want to know, Matt.'' Darcy turned away from him, looking at the grave again.

''What, I am not allowed to go on with my life?'' He yelled at Darcy, knowing he shouldn't, but he needed to speak his mind. Shocked by the sudden sound and movement her dad made, the little girl burst out in loud crying.

''Shhh, it is okay. shhh..Helen. We are going home.'' He whispered, comforting the little girl.

Darcy turned around; ''Her name is Helen?''

Matthew looked up and nodded. ''Named after your daughter.''

Darcy's hard expression seemed to break and she walked towards Matthew and Helen, carefully wrapping her arms around him.

''I thought you had forgotten her so soon, that you already had a new girlfriend now.''

Over Darcy's shoulder he looked at the grave, a bunch of sunflowers laying on it; ''I never will forget her, I just need to carry on.''

...

Note: so this was it. The ending might be a little short, but I didn't want to leave it unfinished and I hope you like it either way!

Please leave a review what you thought about the story and thank you for reading the story! I hope you enjoyed the reading just as much as I did the writing!

x


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